Marriage Matters: Why Believers Must Shift Their Focus

Why the Church's Approach to Marriage May Be Failing Believers

Have you ever wondered why the marriage rate among believers is equivalent to, or even lower than, that of unbelievers? I believe it’s not merely due to sin within the church, though that plays a part. Instead, it seems the church often prioritizes worldly standards of efficient dating and engagement, merely seasoned with biblical principles, over a genuine advocacy for marriage itself.

When tuning into a sermon on dating or watching a video series on how to find a spouse, you’ll often hear the same messages repeated: “God didn’t want you with that person,” “God has someone better for you,” or “God took it away because you were idolizing it.” Are you noticing a trend? Much of what passes for biblical wisdom here is actually saturated with pseudoscience and doesn’t align with God’s character.

Take, for example, the advice to agree on political views, finances, and childrearing philosophies before marriage. While these are worthy considerations, such advice misses the true biblical emphasis. Scripture primarily speaks to unity in foundational spiritual beliefs, especially shared faith in and commitment to Christ (Ephesians 4:3-6). Being “equally yoked” (2 Corinthians 6:14) centers on spiritual alignment, forming a solid basis for addressing life’s other challenges together.

I believe one reason believers aren’t marrying, especially in large churches where options abound, is because we’ve over-spiritualized marriage itself. We often attribute a rejection or a failed relationship to God’s “will” or “protection,” avoiding the potential hurt by assigning our disappointments to divine intervention. This approach can hinder spiritual growth, as it teaches believers to rely on emotions to discern God’s direction in relationships, rather than seeking wisdom grounded in Scripture (James 1:5).

To clarify, emotions are valuable—they gauge what’s in our hearts (Proverbs 4:23). But they shouldn’t be treated as divine signs, nor should we ask God for signs based on our subjective feelings, hoping they will guide us to objective truth. This is what turns well-meaning advice into pseudoscience when it lacks a foundation in God’s word.

Understanding “Pseudoscience” in Dating Advice

Pseudoscience refers to beliefs or practices that claim legitimacy but lack adherence to proven methods or, in this case, to Scripture. In the context of dating and marriage, emotional-led advice that’s detached from biblical wisdom operates similarly, misguiding people by placing subjective experience above God’s clear guidance.

Labeling emotional-led dating advice as “pseudoscience” effectively critiques its unbiblical aspects. But it’s essential to distinguish this from true biblical wisdom, which does address practical aspects of marriage. For example, aligning on stewardship or values is biblically sound when it’s rooted in mutual commitment to God, not as a substitute for a genuine covenant commitment (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).

Commitment, Not Compatibility, as the Foundation of Marriage

Some may say you must agree on politics, finances, and parenting before marriage. However, Scripture emphasizes unity in spiritual beliefs rather than checklist compatibility in all life areas (Amos 3:3). While these practical matters are significant, they’re best navigated within a foundation of shared faith.

A focus on checklist compatibility often reflects the world’s hesitation to commit—“I don’t want to marry the wrong person.” Consider the disciples’ reaction when Jesus taught on divorce: “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it’s better not to marry” (Matthew 19:10). They understood the gravity of commitment. In contrast, today’s believers often struggle with this weight and are quick to place responsibility on God to “confirm” a spouse, rather than cultivating maturity and discernment that enables wise choices (Proverbs 3:5-6).

If believers wish to see more successful marriages, they must remember that “success” isn’t measured by marriages that never happened. Rather, it’s measured by marriages that begin and endure in Christ (Colossians 3:14). Matthew 6:25-34, which calls us to trust in God’s provision, applies directly to marriage. Just as the government is vested in our marriages through civil documentation, God is vested in our unions by divine decree (Genesis 2:24).

Trusting in God’s provision allows us to enter marriage with confidence that He cares deeply for the covenant He ordains (Philippians 4:19).

Practical Wisdom in the Journey to Marriage

In conclusion, let’s choose our spouse with wisdom, resisting the urge to over-spiritualize what is not yet a divine union until sealed at the altar. A person becomes “the one” when the commitment is made in God’s will at the altar (Mark 10:9). While marriage becomes fully realized and sanctified before God at that point, building a Christ-centered relationship through mutual commitment, prayer, and wise counsel before marriage reflects a healthy pursuit of God’s will (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

Proverbs 15:22, which states, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed,” applies here as well. Seeking wise counsel throughout dating can help believers make grounded, faithful decisions without overcomplicating the journey. Marriage is a serious commitment that demands wisdom, not mystification. Paul himself encourages believers to use wisdom but also act according to their needs and desires without unnecessary overcomplication (1 Corinthians 7:28).

Marriage, a beautiful covenant, does not need mystification. Rather, it requires courage, wisdom, and commitment—qualities available to all who seek God’s guidance earnestly.